[23rd August 2016] Thank you for Talak 3

This post shall be dedicated to my used-to-be-better-half.

As Salam.

I am officially a divorcee after living as one for the past 22 months. And I am proud of the status I am in now.

Am I sad? Am I dissapointed? Do I have regrets?

My answer to all is a big huge NO!

Even if my ex-husband wouldn't give me Talak 3, I am ready to ask him to release me with Talak 3. Because 'mati hidup balik', I wouldn't wanna reconcile back with him.

I'm not gonna blame him entirely for the breakdown of our marriage. Because just like him, I am a normal human being too who make mistakes in life. And my biggest mistake which I do not regret is to conceive my first born before getting married legally. Yes, my firstborn was delivered out of wedlock.

Why? Because I was young, naive and full of lust. I wanted it to happen. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be loved and I thought by having sex before marriage makes me complete, happy and loved. But I was wrong because I was a Muslim and I am still today (In Shaa Allah) will stay that way.

I was pampered by him back then, who gave in to my every wants just like my parents did so I thought, he is gonna be the one.

But I was wrong. He turned my life into a nightmare. His family turned out to be the worst heartless human I have ever known.

I knew my ex-father-in-law hated me because of the way I dress up back then, crop tops with hot pants. I was only 21 when I knew my then boyfriend. But I suck it all up because I love him at that point of time. I was blinded by love and lust.

So I got pregnant, I was happy, eager, excited. My then boyfriend wasn't happy and told me to go for an abortion.

I broke down, I was sad. I thought he would be happy too.

But me being the rebellious girl always and always want it my way, I told him to leave since he doesn't want to take the responsibility. I was ready to face the world all alone with the baby in my tummy who's not at fault, who was actually a blessing in my life! Who gave me the strength and courage to move forward in life. I was prepared, mentally and physically to raise the child all alone without any support. Because the baby is not wrong, I was and killing him through abortion shall turn me into a monster!

I knew he forced himself to take up the responsibility for the damage we both made and I agreed to the marriage because I was deeply madly in love with him then. I was happy, eccentric when both our parents agreed.

But then everything change. EVERYTHING!

The people I trusted in his family betrayed me and stabbed me in the back and he didn't back me up the way I did for him.

So like I said, its not entirely his fault. I have mine too.

I was hot-headed and hot-tempered. I was 'degil' and want my ways all the time because...

HE DOES NOT BOTHER TO BE THE PROPER HEAD OF THE FAMILY!

So I had to step in and defend myself.

I raised my voice at my in laws few times because I have my reasons. YES! I know I was and am wrong but being in position, being looked down, mocked upon, and there your other half is keeping all mute!

I had my fair share of being quiet so I had to defend myself and my marriage. In my eyes then was only my children! All I had in mind was my boys. Can they live without their father?

On 14th November 2014, he walked out and never to return in our arms again!

I was 2 months pregnant with my last child. I went into slight depression, I was stressed, I ignored my boys for 2 months before coming to my senses and got back up again!

I accepted my fate when my step-mum told me:

'If Allah thinks that you cannot move on and be a single mum, he wouldn't have blessed you with 3 kids without a husband by your side.'

And today, whenever I wanna give up, I will always remember that sentence.

I can be the best Mum in the world for my children. I just have to believe in Allah's plan for me.

So I moved on then. I 'niat' with myself.

I shall wait for his return until the day the baby in me sees this world for the first time.

Like malay said, 'jatuhkan niat'. And I did. I waited and waited.

I had contractions, I stayed at my dad's, left the 2 elder boys there and went straight into labour, ALONE!

I delivered my last child ALONE without any support from a 'husband' (who was peacefully sleeping in his own bed in his parents home).

And that was it! I will proceed with the divorce!

On the day my last child went for ops, 26th August 2015, that was the last day I saw my then-husband and that was also the last day he saw his son! Then on, he never texted and asked about them neither did he come and visit them!

What kind of a father are you? Are you even fit to be one? You don't even ask how's the baby's operation and all. I was dissappointed! TOTALLY!

I failed as a wife and failed to give my boys the complete family they should have deserve! I brought them into this world yet I couldn't provide them with a perfect happy family!

I am sorry #kbrothers. I failed. I failed in this test. I failed to bring back your Daddy. I failed to let you feel the love of a father.

But I know that I have not failed as a Mother to you boys. Not even once have I regretted having you adorable boys in my life.

You boys changed me. You boys gave me the happiness I have always craved for. You boys gave me the love I have always seek and searched all my life.

To my used-to-be-better-half,

Thank you for letting me go with TALAK 3! Boy, you don't know how happy I was in the court room that moment. If I could jump out of excitement, I would!

Don't you worry about me and the boys.

We have survived the past 22 months physically and emotionally.

I had put food on the table for our boys even when you didn't give us enough monthly.

I had provided them with the best doctor available when they are sick.

I have done my part as a Mother and Father to them while you were away.

I have introduced the mosque to our first child and brought him into a mosque when its suppose to be done by you.

I have been the best teacher to them teaching them ABC's, 123's and singing nursery rhymes.

I have been there through their sadness, complains, night wakes.

I am blessed to wake up to this sight every single day!

I stayed up late to entertain to their wanders of stories eventhough I had to work the next morning.

I had provided the best milk from my body for our youngest child every night waking up just to nurse him up till today.

I had provided them with the best outifts and attire they deserve with my hard earn money.

I had provided them with proper Hari Raya outfit for 4 consecutive years because you couldn't and didn't.

I have been with them since Day 1 of their life!

I have been their Islamic teacher and I am proud that both Abang and Adik are doing their prayers daily!

I am proud to tell you that I have taken care of our youngest child and nurse his wound from the surgery he had.

And I wanna Thank You for giving me 3 wonderful boys who's able to look after me one day when you aren't able to do so anymore even if you want to.

And I am happy to tell you that, the boys are loved by all those who have been loving me since I was born!

I'm sorry as I have failed as a wife (as you claimed).

Just don't forget to tell them all, that you too have failed as a husband and a father!

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE GOOD TIMES AND BAD TIMES

Knowing you have been great, but losing you...

Have been my best happiness ever!

And I thank Allah for taking you away from me.

Exchanging it with our boys, is a blessing!

I wish you all the best in your future with someone new and in life.

Wa Salam.

N.A